Dear Mr. or Ms. Scumbag,

I really hope you’re enjoying my cell phone. While, sure – it isn’t getting service as I did report that sucker stolen – it does have a bunch of features on it, as you undoubtedly know.

While I’m sure you’re having a  blast beating my high scores in those games I liked, and filling up the rest of the space not taken up my images of my daughter (she’s a ham for the camera as I’m sure you’re well aware by those pictures on it).

I really hope you’re enjoying it, I mean I know I would be and have.

You know, before you decided finders keepers and whatnot.

Then again, I’d enjoy any cell phone now, as that was my means of communication with the outside world and my work. I unfortunately don’t have the budget now to drop $30, let alone $300 on a new phone, having a scumbag steal one’s cell isn’t something somebody normally accounts for.

I’m sure you’ve clearly noticed I’m not that exciting, I do work a lot. Funny how you have what was my ‘mobile work’ so to speak. It’s okay though, I mean being tethered home on my computer is okay too I suppose.

While I’m terribly sorry it’s a measly 3Gs, and not one of the newer, fancier models. It was still very much in use by myself, who was fine without Siri and the other whistles.

I mean, as you know – my primary communication device was and is important considering I have a family member who is gravely ill, a fact that no doubt you’ve noticed on the screen as I desperately tried to get you to give me my cell phone back, going so far to explain the situation to you.

One person’s misfortune is another’s newly stolen phone, right?

While no doubt you’ve also noticed the update notice, around the time you’d stolen it. As I hadn’t been quite able to update yet, due to the jailbreak. You’ve also no doubt noticed the annoying ringing as I had attempted to alert some kind soul to it, which sadly only seemed to have alerted you, dear thief.

What makes it all the more frustrating is of course that I know generally who you are, thanks to one of the few security apps I had installed. Unfortunately, your boss is covering for you.

Lovely.

Anyway, you scum of the Earth, I hope you enjoy that cell, my cell phone.

Sleep quietly knowing that you’re a horrible individual who I sincerely hope is pecked at by rabid hummingbirds-carrying salt and lemons on them, for some unknown reason.

I do realize you’ll likely ignore the link I’ve sent you, but if not – thanks for reading.

Love,

The Person Who Wants Her Cellphone Back.